Steffi Vinton-Peters: Because of you

Because of you;

I woke this morning with a knot in my stomach and tight sickness engulfing my throat. 

Hopeless dread and cold fear. 

Because of you;

Not one calorie had passed through my lips for two days and for the day ahead, I faced a mountain of physical demands. 

Because of you;

Every single fibre of my being screamed naive denial when I questioned the pain clawing my stomach. 

Because of you;

Every one of my senses is coated with the lies you have fed me. 

Because of you;

Every inch of my consciousness begs for starvation. 

Because of you;

A simple, life depending activity is far and beyond my greatest fear and without a doubt my greatest weakness. 

Today I sat alone, waterfalls pouring from my naked soul. 

Today I felt desperate and scared and overwhelmed. 

Today I shook violently enough I could feel my rib cage gaping for calm.

All because of you. 

But today...

In spite of you;

I was strong. 

I wasn't strong for you, you disgusting, cruel, evil, lying wretch. 

I was strong for me. For them. For us. 

This morning I blended colours and flavours, the kind I fear - no! The kind YOU fear. The kind I like. 

I sipped slowly, allowing volume to fill my hollow centre, until the colours had replenished my energy.

In spite of you;

Today I was brave.

My name is Steff.

Each day I become more me again.