Petra: We are warriors

This is for all of you,

All the warriors

All the strong people

All the fighters

You are the best.

To me, my eating disorder is like a big house. I’m locked into that big house, and the person who locked me doesn’t want me to see the real world. I desperately want to leave, but I don’t know how. I try to open the room’s door, but this evil being always stops me. But I don’t stop. I fight and fight until I can get out of that room. As soon as I get out of that room, I realise that there are stairs. Another thing to get through step by step. There’s a whole lot of barriers before you can actually see the real world. I see my mind and struggles like that, I hope it explains something.

The thing is...I was never an inpatient, I never went to therapy, and because of that, I feel like I’m not even sick and I never had any problems, which is obviously not true.  When I was in my worst state of mind, I always said to myself that my problems weren’t valid. Losing weight, having bad body image, having a fear of eating certain things, not going out with friends because of food was not valid enough for me.

Then something clicked in my head. I don’t know what and how but I realised I can’t and won’t live like this anymore. I want to live, I want to recover, I want to feel alive.

It’s still a long journey, and I need to be more open to things, but I’m getting there. With every day I spend with enjoying food and life, I’m becoming the best version of myself. There are ups and downs, but recovery is not linear. As my best friend (who supports me and I’m extremely thankful for her) said, “You can’t make your mental illness stop. You can only learn to live with it.” and it’s true. After your experiences, you can’t live like you did before (which is completely OK, people change!), but you can change your mindset to see your body as a vessel for your beautiful soul, it’s a canvas for you to paint on it, it’s what you live in, it’s what makes you do everything you love (to me it’s dancing), a place where you should feel safe. I’m still learning to live with my ED, but I’ll never stop trying, if I fall, I’m going to get back and try again. I am a warrior, and so you are.

We are warriors and we’ll always try again.

Love, Petra