Pia Hermann: The view is crucial

The view is crucial

Hello. I do not know if any of you remember my Warrior talk entry at the beginning of 2018. I talked about my Crohn's bowel disease from the colon, "Colitis Crohn," and how I managed to find my own happiness and to love and accept myself and my body as it is. Velvet disease. Unfortunately, since this entry I have had a very hard time. Summer of 2018 was tough even if it started with a beautiful but unexpected message: After 10 years of medication, setbacks, and constant switching of so many things, my colon looked better than ever before. The levels of inflammation were like those of a healthy person. Stable. My doctor and I then decided to try something new. We have completely discontinued my medication and I should live 'drug-free'. I was able to live a full 4 months without discomfort. But then the skin problems started. Most likely as a result of the discontinuation of medication related to the sun and the hot climate I was in. During the summer vacation I got a severe rash and had to go to the hospital for ten days. After that, I was well and luckily released again without complaints. At the beginning of September, however, the problems started again. I had a little stomachache every now and then. Loss of appetite and thus also loss of weight began. I often felt weak and had no stamina. In October, the stomach ache started to get worse. I felt totally uncomfortable on the whole. After a colonoscopy, the doctors were able to detect a slight swelling in the small intestine. This news was funny because I have never had any problems with this part of my body in the past 10 years. The pain only got worse in the following weeks and changed as well. A kind of pain that is difficult to describe. I had the feeling that my back and my stomach and belly are contracting while banging on the outside against my body. The pain was both in the chest and stomach area, as well as in the back and as soon as I felt it I could neither stand up nor sit. I had to curl up like an embryo and could not move for minutes, felt like hours. My doctor then decided to look at my stomach again and the result was a swollen stomach and intestinal area. In the end, this means that my illness has spread and I no longer have disease called 'Colitis Crohn' but 'Morbus Crohn'. This is the worse and the more painful form of the diseases. I received this message and felt the urge to write everything of my soul. I must say that I have taken the news relatively calmly and well. I believe that if I had been healthy for the last 10 years and then received this message, a world would have collapsed for me. But this is just an additional burden for me, but I will master it because I already know how to deal with it. It is not nice news. Definitely not. But I have no choice but to accept this message and make the best possible out of it. And I will !!! 

The struggle with oneself can be the hardest. But when you get involved with your needs, wishes and problems and learn not to stand in your own way, you realize that it's not that hard. To accept oneself is a step to love one another and yet both belong to a happy "you".

The most important of all is taking the time you need. Changes may happen overnight, but the way you handle them and be completely one with the change and take it as it is and make the best of it takes time. And you have to take that time, especially when you do not have it.

Do not let anyone tell you how to solve your problems because they are your problems. Maybe you do not do it all right the first time, but isn't it important to learn from mistakes and be a little bit smarter afterwards? With all the complaints last year, I could have gone to a doctor much earlier. I did not do it. Maybe I was naive believing it could not be my gut just because I did not know the symptoms. Maybe it was also selfless to let myself suffer like that and maybe I was simply sick of all the doctor's visits and finally wanted to have my peace and quiet. Live my life and be free. Yes, in retrospect, I think that I could have acted sooner and then I would not have gone so badly at the end of the year. But isn't it more important that I feel well now and I know where I stand? That I learned from this mistake and listened to my body trying to tell me something? There are moments when you just do not want certain things anymore - like I used to go to the doctor's office - but you have to learn to jump over your shadow just to do what's right, no matter how sorry you are.

Do not give up on yourself, no matter how hard it is or how many setbacks you have to take. Everybody reacts differently to bad news and everyone has their own way to deal with it. But in the end, we are all human. We have our limits. Sometimes we break them and sometimes we can not even get close to them. But we have to listen to our senses, our guts and our intuition and then decide what is best for us. And even if you go detour, at some point you will reach the goal and become the person you are one day and on which you can be incredibly proud.

Now I am sitting here a year later, writing the end of my latest story. 2019 is gradually coming to an end and all I can think of is how thankful I am for the past year. For the first time in ages, I had no relapse. I did not have to worry about eating enough or taking my medication. I lost no weight or was in pain. For the first time I was able to live a carefree life for a whole year. I was good, really good. And now I do everything to make it the same in the years to come. 2020 can start!