Sanjana Narayanan: Three's a crowd

I’ve been following Margi for a while now on Instagram and I came across her Warrior Talk series. Earlier this year I wrote a blog post that I wanted to put out but never got the chance to. After reading other people’s writings, I thought to share my words here to hopefully help others.

It is titled ‘Three’s A Crowd’.

Three’s A Crowd - by Sanjana Narayanan

I’ve been debating on whether to actually do this for a while. One part of me says that I shouldn’t, because how is a mere, irrelevant 18-year old girl going to impact anyone? My words may just seem absurd to anyone who stumbles across any of my pieces of writing, so why embarrass myself (haha). But here, I am finding myself engaging in critical self-talk, yet again – not helpful. So, I guess this is my way of saying ‘screw it’ (note: I am not using profanity just yet, I need to introduce myself as more composed) and to just dive further into my budding passions.

I’ve been in a committed relationship for as long as I can remember, and I could say that we’re pretty much exclusive. For anyone wondering, it’s with this wonderful thing called art. If you know me personally, you will know that wherever I go, I always take some tool of creativity with me, usually a sketchbook or a camera, because I am always anticipating new ideas and inspiration. My art and myself are a whole package deal I guess; I honestly function due to art. Coming from a very creative family, my engagement with the arts was pretty inevitable as when I was younger, I was always surrounded by creative air. I’d always participate in dance shows (whether I was good or not is something to debate upon) or just draw random sceneries that would almost transport me into some kind of fantasy land (cliché, but it was REALLY fun). I can say that I’m so glad I fully immersed myself in the arts from a very young age, and it beautifully integrated into my adolescence. If you ever talk to me and don’t realise my passion for art, catch me making some ridiculous joke about artists or writers that I unfortunately find extremely amusing (Shakey memes has nothing on the crap jokes that I formulate).

The arts, especially fine art, has always been a kind of ‘way out’ for me. My extroverted personality would always be tamed from the moment I put a pencil or pen on paper, and everything tends to take a standstill as I chip away with some kind of drawing or painting. I have always been there for art, as it has been there for me (okay I’m also trying to not cringe at my cliché phrases but just go with it). Creative writing, painting and dancing have always me feel like I am on top of the world, and it’s a pretty great feeling if I must say. As I was growing up, my interactions with these art forms made me feel like I was living in a whole other world where I could create anything, making my views as colourful as possible, fulfilling my vast imagination. Dancing, likewise, has played and still does play a significant role in my family; it’s one passion we share collectively and broadcast with love, but one thing that I guess is exclusive to me is my fine art. 

Here’s a funny story. Wherever we go, my parents are frequently asked: ‘from which side of the family did Sanjana get her artistic talent from?’ and the response is usually either my left-handedness (apparently obscure and one of a kind in Indian terms) or this running joke where my mum remarks ‘from me! Because in 3rd grade I came 3rd place in a school drawing competition!’. I don’t really share my passion with anyone else in my family, which apparently astounds everyone, making others more intrigued (honestly, I don’t know why). I guess that is what makes me unique and an ‘intriguing’ character, but I have never seen myself like the way others do.

For years I have created artwork, and to tell the truth I have never been pleased with myself or my pieces, always believing that I am not good enough simply because I lacked quick thinking skills in maths and science at school compared to others. In my head that was the definition of successful and clever. So, I came to the conclusion that I was never clever enough. From when I can remember, I have always engaged myself in the arts but simultaneously my self esteem dropped like rocks being thrown off a cliff. It’s really odd, because surely this contradicts the purpose of creating artistically. It kept ringing in my head: ‘I’m just not good enough… I am not clever enough… I am genuinely the dumbest human; a good for nothing’. Sooner or later, this took a dark turn and manifested into ‘I am not pretty enough’ and ‘I am not thin enough’, feeding into the conclusion of ‘no one likes me therefore I must hate myself too’. These words became prevalent as the years went by, but they were easy to dismiss. I would not encounter these thoughts a lot, but they did bother me (well of course, these words really aren’t that nice).

But then my mind dictionary and phrase bank grew and grew, and they became the centre of my life. I felt that I was in a state of no control with friendship at the time, falling in school and losing interest in what I love doing the most and thrived in. I was 14 when these phrases repeated like a mantra in my head, and BAM I soon developed a raging eating disorder. I was not good at anything, so surely losing weight and controlling my food intake would mean that I was good at something, right? As my eating disordered thoughts rose at the mere age of 14, I felt as if I was on top of the world, everything was under control. And I finally found something I was good at – losing weight. Soon enough I had forgotten about my art, because all my energies were supplied to these feelings that were fed to my head each and every passing second of the day.

At this point in late 2016, I felt stronger than ever, which is ironic because I was in fact killing myself slowly. I resented my childhood, I thought that what I had cultivated and crafted so wonderfully did not mean anything anymore because now I have found something even more ‘unique’ to me. And that is what is tragic.

I am not going to go into the depths of my eating disorder story because it is not helpful, but what I want to address is the destruction and disruption I unconsciously caused between myself and the strongest connection I had, which was with my art. What beautifully defined me was put aside because instead of stepping outside to absorb the art of the world, I was repeatedly stepping on a set of scales which not only measured my falling weight but my worth and beauty, and I wholly praised this.

But inside me, the bits that were not contaminated by the eating disorder, kept me grounded because my art clenched onto me, almost pleading me to not let it go. And I didn’t. As much as it held onto me, I held onto it, because I knew that I was not a label named ‘eating disorder sufferer’, but a creator, who actually has so much to artistically offer to the world.

So, as I joined treatment services, I used art to an extent to heal myself, but the eating disorder was way too strong to quieten, and, yet again, it undermined my art and its power. As I attempted to defy the deadly thoughts, it re-iterated that I am completely talentless and dumb (this is going to be a recurring theme, yikes) so I began to force my self-hatred upon my work with every ounce of my being. Now. Pure negativity was almost a bodily impulse, and as you might imagine it is a bloody difficult feeling to battle.

I still managed to somehow engage with my art; I achieved a good grade at GCSE, decided to take the subject for A-Level and earn some money by selling pieces, but to anorexia, nothing was ever enough. Everyone told me that I had such a rare gift, but everything went into one ear and straight out of the other, because ‘I am just not good enough’. Self-hatred became a norm, a habit, because I just despised everything about me, every inch of my body.

During the heights of my painful struggle, I have always seemed to lose interest in doing what I do best, which sucks because I tried to let my art heal me, but the eating disorder arrested me into this tight bubble, clenching me with great force. Honestly, I never knew that my sturdiest relationship would turn out to be the most turbulent of all. This clearly goes to show that eating disorders are not just an ‘I don’t want to eat’ kind of thing; it manifests itself into every part of a sufferer’s life, which is why it is so bloody difficult to treat.

One day, hopefully soon, I will change my ‘struggling’ into ‘conquering’, but I have taken a step forward, which is to actually acknowledge that I have a problem after 4 years of denial. My eating disorder has not disappeared as such yet and it bloody well hurts and affects my simple day to day activities, but one thing is different – I have gained back a sense of faith and trust into my power, which I express through my art. Instead of dwelling on my self-loathing, I have shown the eating disorder that I can not only draw and paint, but I can write, I can dance (and now even teach) and even practice photography, all of which were not even in my ‘things to attempt’ list. I may not be the best at these, but I have shown that I can take a small step and try, which to me, is pretty huge.

I wholly believe that my art is going to save me from the depths of this imprisoning despair, and if I can do it, LITERALLY ANYONE ELSE CAN because it is possible. My hope will change from minute to vast again, and my eating disorder will be silenced.

Passion heals to extents that are unimaginable. I truly advocate for sharing your passions, because they certainly do help others even when you think they are perhaps pointless or useless. Trust me, they aren’t. I am still working on this. I do not want to be answerable to any destructive thought or feeling any longer, but to take control of what is controlling me. And for that, every day I choose to dedicate myself to my art because it is mine, the colour in my life. As I heal, I will take my dancing back too. My eating disorder has not got a place in my relationship with my art.

You don’t need to have had to battle hardships to realise that displaying passion is soulfully healing, so I ask everyone to keep sharing their passions and inspire others. We thrive off each other’s inner beauty, and that is art in itself. It is a wonderful thing to be fortunate enough to have platforms that can be used as springboards to better ourselves; take inspiration and inspire other people, because we as flowers grow through light from others and most importantly, ourselves.