Jordan Melville: Yet

I can’t tell you when it started, and unfortunately I can’t tell you it has ended. Yet.

I remember having an unhealthy relationship with food as a child. I was afraid to eat in front of certain people, and I never knew why. I was always in sports, and was always complimented on my small, athletic frame. However, I do remember thinking I was “fat.” No one ever took it seriously, and my friends would just laugh it off or say I was looking for attention. It wasn’t until college when things really took a turn. I was playing softball, running cross country, and studying nutrition. Being “healthy” became an obsession. At first it was just eating healthy and working out. Then it turned into starving myself and running until I’d pass out. After that, I began stuffing myself to the point of not being able to move, and making myself throw up. It was an addiction, and like most addictions, it was killing me. 

My boyfriend was the first to say something. I got mad and broke up with him after he told my dad what I was doing. “There’s nothing wrong with me! I’m just active and healthy!” I told everyone. I was in denial with myself and was refusing to believe I had a problem. My coaches began to make comments. My teammates were concerned. My friends were scared. “But I’m fine!!!” I’d say. 

After a year or so of this, I was so sick I had to quit sports. However, I continued to work out and run on my own. Until one night I came home, with grocery bags full of ice cream, cereal and cookies, ready to stuff my face, and my dad grabbed me by the shoulders. It was that day when I saw him cry for the first time. 

I went to therapy and a dietitian with a very negative mindset. “I don’t need this! I AM a dietitian!” I would tell myself. So yet another year went by, and I was still suffering. The only thing that had gotten better was my ability to hide it. I lost my friends, my boyfriend, all my passions, and I nearly lost my life. 

I went the next two years of college going through cycles of anorexia and bulimia. I lost another boyfriend due to this disease. I lost my first full time job due to this disease. But I kept lying to myself. I refused inpatient, I refused therapy, and I completely isolated myself. 

It wasn’t until shortly after my 24th birthday when I realized I just couldn’t live like this anymore. I no longer wanted to live, or so I thought. However, I knew deep down I just no longer wanted to live like this anymore. 7 years was far too long. 

Eating disorders are not a choice. However, recovery truly is. No one can make you stop destroying your life besides you. Eating disorders make you think you are strong for starving yourself. But, true strength is fighting that ED voice. And that’s where I currently am, nowhere near recovered, but making small choices each and every single day to better myself. No matter how much weight you lose, you’ll never be small enough for that voice in your head. The sooner you realize this, the sooner you can start to reclaim your life. 

It’s embarrassing for me to admit that I’ll be 25 this year, and I’m still battling this demon. However, there is no age limit for an eating disorder, just like there is no certain body type or weight. Eating disorders can affect anyone. All you can do is choose to fight it. Fight for your life. Be a warrior. And just always know that you are worth it, and you deserve to live your best life.

Lots of love,

Jordan