Adina Salome: Dear Anorexia

Margi,

First I wanted to thank you for your wonderful blog. I follow you on Instagram and you seem like a very kind, helpful and loving person. Thanks for being such a good role model on social media you're really helping some people out there.

I've been suffering from anorexia for many years but last year I decided to give myself and happiness a chance and I did quite good actually even tho it was really hard, as you can probably imagine. Recovery is such a bumpy road and sometimes you get off track but I'll fight for myself as long as I physically, mentally and emotionally can. 

I really want to be a part of the Warrior Talk as I think it is so important to talk about anorexia so that people who don't suffer from an eating disorder can understand such illnesses better and for the one's who suffer to feel understood and less lonely. We are in this together. 

So I wrote this letter to my eating disorder.

dear anorexia,

i wish you would’ve never been a part of my life because i can’t seem to forget you. you are my oh so beloved ex lover that i awfully love and terribly hate. 

you were the best thing that ever happened to me and the worst of it all.

you were my home.

you held me so tight right when i needed the warmest hug.

you never left me alone, you made me feel less lonely.

you gave me a reason to get up and live.

you held my hand and oh god you never let go of it.

you were my safe place.

you were intimacy and gave me the affection i seemed to need.

you lulled me in tenderness with your delicate hands.

you touched my heart with your soft fingertips.

you helped me to forget what happened.

you put me in a state of euphoria.

you took off my clothes and looked at me with amorously eyes.

you were my first love.

you were my control.

you were the friend i always wanted.

but

you were.

you hurt me so much.

you were the reason why i cried over a bowl of cereal again and again and again.

you made me so fucking numb.

you held me awake for three days straight watching me slowly disappear.

you were the worst friend i ever had.

you sat between my bones like a parasite eating away what was left of me.

you turned me into someone i said i would never become.

you kept me inside for years.

you made me believe i deserve to be abused and hurt.

you made up some stupid rules that only limited my happiness.

you drove me insane because i lived off hunger and adrenaline. 

you made me destroy my mirror.

you loved to see me hurt to the point where i could no longer fake to be okay. 

you were the reason why my mom cried into my thin hair desperately wanting me to seek help.

you made me questioning whether life is worthy enough to keep living or not.

you made it impossible for everyone to even grasp a tiny piece of me. 

you were the reason weekly weigh ins were totally normal for me.

you made me lying to everyone.

you threw me into the water hoping i’d drown.

you stopped me from letting go of what was hurting me.

you made me hurt myself physically way too often.

you sent me to war to fight myself.

you hurt me so much

 you never said goodbye but i did and i want you to understand that i don’t need you anymore, i don’t want you to be a part of my life because i just love myself too much to let me love you. i closed the door behind you and i won’t let you in ever again. 

and next time i’ll write a letter it will be a love letter to myself because i owe myself so much love and respect for being such a brave and strong human being. i may not have won this battle yet but it’s only a matter of time. 

Goodbye again, Adina

I wish you the very best and thanks again for being you. 

Love, Adina