J Rooney: I found my summer

J Rooney: I found my summer 

To Margi and fellow Warriors,

Two years ago, in June 2018, my submission “You Deserve Your Summer” was published in Warrior Talk. Here is an update.

I Found My Summer, by J Rooney.

After a year of attending therapy, I am proud to say I am mostly recovered. I still have moments; I still have days. But for the first time in my life, my instinct isn’t to look in the mirror and only see flaws. My inherent worth is apparent now.

I am strong. I am valuable. I am capable of whatever I put my mind to.

Nearly eight years ago, at the age of 15, my depression and eating disorder set in. The journey has been long and lonely, quiet and cold. Sometimes, I felt like a traveler on a desolate road. It was grey in every direction, dark with fog, with only dead trees as far as the eye could see. My sole companion was myself. But I was usually the last companion I want around.

Then, after wandering for so long, new companions joined me. Holding my hand, telling me gently there is a way out. I got married, I reconnected with my parents, my best friend stood by me through it all, and my therapist entered my life. I moved away from my longtime home, where so many heavy memories haunted me. Where I am now, it feels like a perpetual summer. Lots of sun: a sun that cuts through my fog and darkness. 

My path eventually led me to a beach. There is no fog here, only a few clouds now and then. I sit and listen to the waves and match my breath to their rhythm. After so many years traveling, searching for relief, here it is. My companions sit with me. I am not alone anymore. It is warm here in this summer. I hug my knees and appreciate how far these legs carried me, how hard my heart pumped to keep me alive. After so long, I can rest. I am healing.

All I feel is gratitude.

Keep going, dear ones. Find your summer. I believe you will ultimately find rest.

So much love,

J