Jessica K: What recovery means to me

Hi Warriors, I’m Jess.

I've written something that I'd like to share for Warrior Talk. 

---

What recovery means to me:

Recovery is not hating myself every minute of every day. 

Recovery is not standing in front of the mirror and picking apart and analysing every inch of my body, looking for flaws and imperfections. 

Recovery is not feeling like a hideous person, a useless freak who deserves to be punished.

Recovery is not seeing intense pain in my family’s faces as they watch me wasting away.

Recovery is finally fulfilling my promise to my grandpa that I will get better, as he begged me to countless times, even if he’s no longer here to see it.

Recovery is not wanting to rip my flesh to shreds and tear the fat off me after eating the smallest meal.

Recovery is having light and life in my eyes.

Recovery is going out and eating and drinking and having fun like every other 28 year old.

Recovery is not exercising far beyond the point of pain and exhaustion as a punishment for eating or just for being me.

Recovery is allowing myself to be loved because I finally feel worthy of care and affection.

Recovery is having friends and relationships because I no longer dread the seemingly inevitable rejection once they realise how revolting I am.

Recovery is a career, helping children feel at peace with themselves and believe in themselves far more than I ever did.

Recovery is a family of my own.

Recovery is knowing I’m okay, just as I am.

I don’t believe I can do it but rereading this makes me realise I have to keep striving for recovery, however impossible it may feel.

Jess x