Beatriz Faria: My story with Anorexia

My story with anorexia nervosa, hello, my name is Beatriz. I am from Portugal and I would like to share a certain period of my life that I never feel comfortable talking about... 

5 years ago instead of going to a birthday party of my two good friends at a bowling place, my brother and I had to go to a paediatrician's appointment...

Until then (I was 14 at the time) I never really cared about what I wore to school, or what I ate or even my own body. From then on, though, everything changed.

The minute I left that place I swore I would never go back there. I never did. The minute I left her room, I felt such hatred, such disgust in who I was... 

When I got home, I looked at myself on the mirror, something I didn't usually do... I started examining myself and I hated everything I saw... I put in my mind that I would lose weight, cut my portions, workout more and when I reached a certain weight and started loving what I was, I would be happy again....

I was wrong... There was no limit weight... There was no happiness... I wanted to see my bones, but people kept telling me I looked sick and an absolute skeleton.

There was only pain, loneliness, constant control (mine and others, my mum especially, over me), frustration... 

Almost 5 years I spent battling anorexia nervosa... I relapsed in the meantime... I pretended all was good, told people not to worry when my sick self was dragging me down, deeper and deeper...

Today, I am 19. I am seeing a psychologist that has helped me deal with my disease and my distorted idea of things. 

I have reached the goal weight that was established at the hospital (while being vegan, defying some doctors that were against this persistence of mine) and since then haven't weighed myself. I feel free, I am finding myself again, I am trying to find happiness again... I don't care what others think, I am myself and I am learning to love myself...

Sometimes I still hear that voice trying to lead me to those old, darks days again... But I shut it up, I look in the mirror and I smile. I am a warrior. I am a survivor.