Enzo Cardix: You are no prey

Hello Margi, here are my words that I hope can help some people.

You're devoted and passionate, you're strong and beautiful. Thank you for being such a bright soul.

Hello dear world,

Because the universe has put in my way such a beautiful, sensitive, inspiring and courageous woman : Margi, I decided to share some hope in my way too. So here, to everybody, you are worth it. No matter what the people around you can say, no matter what possibly can happen to you. You are the greatest worth ever. You are the most powerful and gorgeous creature on this earth, just the way you are.

I was 16, living alone in Paris in a small cozy apartment and my girlfriend and I just broke up.  I started to feel alone, like I had no place to belong. I was facing myself in the mirror everyday during my ballet classes, with a teacher who constantly told me that my legs were too big and my quads were breaking the “line” of my legs because I didn’t have “nice looking feet for ballet.”

So I needed a safe place, where I could feel home, where I could feel in control. Unfortunately at this time I didn’t acknowledge the fact that I could be this place. I could be the best home for myself. I could thank my body for what it allows me to do. I didn’t know dance could be a celebration of who I am. 

I felt like controlling what I was eating would give me a reason, bring some sense into my current life. Starting there everyday was a dark cloud I was floating in. I got very tired, I wasn’t able to focus anymore. I would lie and try to find excuses to escape the partnering classes because I knew I hadn’t the strength anymore to lift the girls. But on the other hand, I felt proud I was holding this super strict diet. I loved this challenge more and more, it gave me something to hold on to. Looking back at it, I feel a sort of gratitude, you’re probably wondering why would you be grateful for a disorder ? Well during a short while it was the only thing I had to hold on to, keeping me connected to life. I had finally a goal to achieve and something I was the only one to manage. 

My physical shape got bad but at first I had people coming to me, to congratulate me for my “efforts” to get skinnier. They were feeding my ego that way, which just made things worse. 

I think that’s why no one ever should make any comment on somebody else’s body. When you ignore what people are going through anything that is not about you doesn’t need your validation, or judgement. 

It lasted several months, and I still hear the voices in the school corridors of other students and some teachers whispering : look he is not well, he’s lost so much weight, look at him he is scary now. Although nobody would come to me directly. Nobody never helped. I had really no one trying to get me out of this. 

I know now it helps people just talking through. Just an exchange sometimes can make a change. Just showing that we care can help someone feeling better. So if you ever doubt talking to someone who you think is suffering, take a shot. Start asking : How are you feeling ? Really deep down ? And in case they don’t want to talk just let them know you’re here with them. 

For me, my savior, was a close friend. One day she felt brave enough to speak to me. In her way, it was very violent for me to hear but it is the stroke that awaken me up. She told me that if I didn’t get better, if I didn’t do anything I would probably end up at the hospital. And the word hospital, was the striking one. I started picturing myself laying in a bed all day, not being able to dance. And dance is everything I need. So I really clicked… I suppose at this moment. And I know she was right. I couldn’t let that happen if I wanted to dance. 

Then it was a long rollercoaster path. I recovered for a big part of my disorder and my body. It felt tough to regain weight too. However I knew almost fainting every jump I did and feeling like passing out wasn’t the way I wanted to dance. So that kept me motivated inside. I truly had such a strong will to get better thanks to dance. 

So my body healed slowly but my disorder didn’t totally heal (yet), because I was still facing and hating my body every day in those grey ballet tight. Luckily ballet school was soon over for me. So I could wear a dance outfit that made me feel more confident and at ease. 

It’s been since 2021 that my relationship with food and my body is getting better. I found the will to make myself my safest place. I want my body and my mind to be my home. This change has been very long, it’s only nowadays that I feel back and at full capacities. I am not going to lie, I can’t say that my disorder is gone. If my body isn’t the issue anymore these days, sometimes anxiety, frustration, hate or anger can trigger my disorder. 

In those moments I try to put all my attention in the fact that I am safe, I am my home and things outside of me won’t reach my bright power inside. Because I am and we are all a source of infinite limitless power. We have within each of us our own beauty and worth. And that should be kept safe.

And if this does not work, I try to forgive myself for some sick thoughts or behaviors. Because that doesn’t define me. This is my struggle, my fight and I do live with it. I am not a prey, I am a being, I am alive and grateful for living.

I wish you all to find light and peace. 

Love, Enzo